This week I got some not-so-great news about my ongoing adoption process. (For those of you who don't know, I am adopting from India.) We applied over a year ago. (Last March) We were told that it would take 10 months for a referral, then another 10 months for the government to process the paperwork before we were allowed to bring our child home. So, 20 months total. A long time, but doable.
Well, after forking over tens of thousands of dollars and hearing nothing in over a year, I contacted the adoption agency. It turns out that now the wait time has increased to 18-24 months THEN the 10 month processing time. So it could take 34 months total. Plus, I thought the time started from when we applied. Nope. It starts from when we're approved. We were approved in July 2009. (It takes a few months to do the homestudy and to take all the online parenting classes you have to take.) So that means we've been waiting 9 months from then. (Not eleven like I had thought.) So it will take another 2 years before we get our child. Two years!!
What's even worse it that they do not allow concurrent adoptions so I cannot adopt a local child in the meantime without them putting this one on hold. Also, if a miracle happened and I were to magically become pregnant, they would also stop the adoption until the child was 1 year old. (Which means they stop the wait time too! This is madness because I could hypothetically have a two-year-old by the time this adoption goes through without them stopping it. Argh!)
After sitting with this and thinking, I've come up with a plan of sorts. I am 35 and I am hearing the loud ticking of that clock and I do not want to waste 2 years of what's left of my fertility (so to speak) waiting on this adoption that might not actually happen. (Because who knows what they'll decide in 2 years' time?)
So here's the plan:
1. Continue to get as healthy as possible.
2. HAVE FUN this summer and visit friends in Florida and Ireland. (Because once kids are in the picture, trips like this are not likely to happen.)
3. Once I get back from said vacation, go back to the fertility clinic and try all that crap again. I have lost 30 pounds since the last time I tried fertility treatments so I'm hoping my body will respond better.
4. Add acupuncture to the fertility treatments. I've read that combining acupuncture with fertility treatments can increase the success rate by as much as 65%. Plus, I've had some success with acupuncture helping my migraines so I'm hopeful that it will help with this too.
This way, I'm at least trying in the meantime while I wait FOREVER on my Indian baby. At least if fertility treatments don't work again, I'll have the adoption going on the back burner.
Showing posts with label Child Procurement Issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Child Procurement Issues. Show all posts
Friday, April 23, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Learning to Be Grateful
I ran into a colleague of mine yesterday at the movies. I hadn't seen her in a long time because she has been having health problems lately, and has not been able to get out of the house much. In addition to her health issues, she has terrible back pain and has to wear a back brace and take pain-killers all the time. I was being empathetic and saying "oh you poor thing", when she put a stop to it. "Actually, I'm grateful to have these problems. They could be so much worse! I could be bed ridden, in the hospital, or dead!" What a great way to look at it! She is so right. It got me thinking that I should be more grateful about my child procurement issues.
It's easy to become self-pitying and plunge into a tunnel of "poor me". I find myself doing this from time to time over the fact that I have been trying for 5 years to have a child (the UNfun way!) with no luck. But if I think about it, there are WAY worse things to have happen. People have to deal with being blind, deaf, in a wheel chair, having cancer, etc. all the time!
Another colleague of mine had a stroke about a year ago. She was only 37, was a vegetarian, and was one of the healthiest people I knew at the time. She's doing well now, (better than expected) but she'll never be back to the way she was before the stroke. She has two young children who she cannot take care of by herself. Being able to have children, but then having a stroke and not being able to take care of them is worse than not being able to have your own, isn't it? I mean, I can still adopt, right?
Recently, one of my brother's friends died unexpectedly. He was in his late 20's and was found dead in his apartment one day. (They think he had some sort of seizure.) How pointless! And what about that poor Georgian Luger? I should thank my lucky stars and be grateful that I'm still here. I should consider myself SO lucky to only be dealing with infertility.
Now, let's all go knock on wood!
It's easy to become self-pitying and plunge into a tunnel of "poor me". I find myself doing this from time to time over the fact that I have been trying for 5 years to have a child (the UNfun way!) with no luck. But if I think about it, there are WAY worse things to have happen. People have to deal with being blind, deaf, in a wheel chair, having cancer, etc. all the time!
Another colleague of mine had a stroke about a year ago. She was only 37, was a vegetarian, and was one of the healthiest people I knew at the time. She's doing well now, (better than expected) but she'll never be back to the way she was before the stroke. She has two young children who she cannot take care of by herself. Being able to have children, but then having a stroke and not being able to take care of them is worse than not being able to have your own, isn't it? I mean, I can still adopt, right?
Recently, one of my brother's friends died unexpectedly. He was in his late 20's and was found dead in his apartment one day. (They think he had some sort of seizure.) How pointless! And what about that poor Georgian Luger? I should thank my lucky stars and be grateful that I'm still here. I should consider myself SO lucky to only be dealing with infertility.
Now, let's all go knock on wood!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, Sugar-Free, Food Free Cake. Diaper Cake!
A "cake" made out of diapers is a stylish and cool gift to give someone who is expecting. I made one the other night for a friend of mine. The process was enjoyable because I like to make things, and it's fun to go and pick colors and ribbon and things. (I don't think of myself as a "girly girl", but apparently I am when it comes to this.) Also, I get to go buy baby things and make something for a baby, even if it isn't my own. (Sometimes, you just have to put your feelings on a shelf and do something nice for someone else, right?) It was fun to do and it feels more personal than just going and buying random baby merchandise. It's not hard to make this diaper cake. There is a video on the internet that takes you through the whole process. I love that it's set to the music of "Meet Joe Black". (Because really, what goes with sweet babies better than music from a film about death personified?) The only modification I made is that I used slightly bigger diapers on the bottom two tiers and the teeniest ones on the top. I think it looks better that way. Also, the mother can use the top layer when the baby is first born, and keep the bottom two tiers as decoration for a few months or so until the baby grows into them. Also, I think it's a cool idea to use a pizza pan as the base because the new mom is totally going to be using it to heat up a lot of frozen pizzas for dinner after the birth!
Make this for the next baby shower you're invited to. It will be a hit with the mom-to-be, and everyone will think you're super cool!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Childless Child
This turned into a bit of a rant. I have mixed feelings about posting this, but it has been on my mind a lot and it had to be written. This post is for all the infertile women out there who are craving just a smidgen of understanding:
The other night, I re-watched the movie "Julie and Julia". I loved it although as far as I'm concerned, the Julie parts should be cut out and the whole movie should be about Julia Child. In fact, why don't they make a movie about Julia Child? They could include bits about her life in India and China, and include how she met and got together with Paul. Anyway, I identified with Julia in several ways. One way was about her apparent infertility. It absolutely broke my heart during the scene where Julia was reading a letter from her sister in which she learned that her sister was pregnant. She was visibly upset and was crying but said, "I'm so happy". Someone told me that when she saw it in the theater, people laughed at this moment. As a woman who is struggling with infertility herself, this makes me furious because it shows a real lack of understanding of the general public on this issue.
In our culture, people ignore this topic altogether. Our society seems to glorify motherhood and has several conventions which are cruel to those who cannot participate. I don't think individual people are cruel, but society at large certainly is. The previously mentioned letter-reading scene in "Julie and Julia" shows how socially unacceptable it is to be anything other than ecstatic over the news of another's pregnancy. Julia couldn't even admit her sadness to her husband who adored her and knew better. If a woman shows any signs of being upset over someone else getting pregnant, then she is accused of being selfish and she should "just get over it". This is similar to going up to a blind man and telling him that you just had lasik surgery and can see crystal clearly without glasses. If this man were not jumping for joy over your good fortune, would you accuse him of being selfish? Of course not! Yet this is what we do to infertile women all the time.
Another cruel convention is the baby shower. A pregnant woman has the one thing I want most in the entire world. And society says I have to throw her a party and give her presents? Really? Would you ask a homeless man to throw a house-warming party for someone he barely knows who just bought a house? Don't get me wrong. I have no problem buying baby shower presents for friends of mine. I'm talking about people I barely know like my mother's church friends or mere acquaintances. I know the reasoning behind the baby shower is that you have to financially help out the new mother who has to buy all this stuff for her baby. However, women who do fertility treatments pay WAY more than new mothers do. IVF treatments and adoption can range from $30,000 to $70,000 and up. (And that's before the baby even gets here!) I'm sure even all-designer baby merchandise wouldn't cost that much.
Another injustice is in our medical system. Most health plans do not cover fertility treatments. This is unfair because some of us have paid health insurance all of our working lives, and have made very few claims. The ONE thing I need my insurance to cover is something that they won't cover. If disease is defined as "something in the body isn't functioning properly", then infertility is a disease. It is not an elective procedure. I did not "elect" to go through fertility treatments. It's just what I have to do to have my body function the way it should in the first place. Health insurance REALLY should cover this!
The truth is that I want a child so badly I can hardly breathe. People think that everything's "okay" with me now that I have decided to adopt, but the fact of the matter is that I will NEVER be okay with this! It's just not okay at all! I wish I could flip a switch in my brain and not care about this anymore. Or be like the women who just don't want children. My life would be so much easier if I were like them. I especially wish that people had an ounce of sensitivity when talking about their children, grandchildren, pregnant daughters and friends, etc. Every time I hear about someone else becoming pregnant, it's like having salt rubbed in the ever-present wound in my heart. I get it. You're excited. I'm not saying you shouldn't be and I'm not saying you shouldn't ever mention it. Just please be aware that someone in the room may be dying a little inside every time you bring it up.
The other night, I re-watched the movie "Julie and Julia". I loved it although as far as I'm concerned, the Julie parts should be cut out and the whole movie should be about Julia Child. In fact, why don't they make a movie about Julia Child? They could include bits about her life in India and China, and include how she met and got together with Paul. Anyway, I identified with Julia in several ways. One way was about her apparent infertility. It absolutely broke my heart during the scene where Julia was reading a letter from her sister in which she learned that her sister was pregnant. She was visibly upset and was crying but said, "I'm so happy". Someone told me that when she saw it in the theater, people laughed at this moment. As a woman who is struggling with infertility herself, this makes me furious because it shows a real lack of understanding of the general public on this issue.
In our culture, people ignore this topic altogether. Our society seems to glorify motherhood and has several conventions which are cruel to those who cannot participate. I don't think individual people are cruel, but society at large certainly is. The previously mentioned letter-reading scene in "Julie and Julia" shows how socially unacceptable it is to be anything other than ecstatic over the news of another's pregnancy. Julia couldn't even admit her sadness to her husband who adored her and knew better. If a woman shows any signs of being upset over someone else getting pregnant, then she is accused of being selfish and she should "just get over it". This is similar to going up to a blind man and telling him that you just had lasik surgery and can see crystal clearly without glasses. If this man were not jumping for joy over your good fortune, would you accuse him of being selfish? Of course not! Yet this is what we do to infertile women all the time.
Another cruel convention is the baby shower. A pregnant woman has the one thing I want most in the entire world. And society says I have to throw her a party and give her presents? Really? Would you ask a homeless man to throw a house-warming party for someone he barely knows who just bought a house? Don't get me wrong. I have no problem buying baby shower presents for friends of mine. I'm talking about people I barely know like my mother's church friends or mere acquaintances. I know the reasoning behind the baby shower is that you have to financially help out the new mother who has to buy all this stuff for her baby. However, women who do fertility treatments pay WAY more than new mothers do. IVF treatments and adoption can range from $30,000 to $70,000 and up. (And that's before the baby even gets here!) I'm sure even all-designer baby merchandise wouldn't cost that much.
Another injustice is in our medical system. Most health plans do not cover fertility treatments. This is unfair because some of us have paid health insurance all of our working lives, and have made very few claims. The ONE thing I need my insurance to cover is something that they won't cover. If disease is defined as "something in the body isn't functioning properly", then infertility is a disease. It is not an elective procedure. I did not "elect" to go through fertility treatments. It's just what I have to do to have my body function the way it should in the first place. Health insurance REALLY should cover this!
The truth is that I want a child so badly I can hardly breathe. People think that everything's "okay" with me now that I have decided to adopt, but the fact of the matter is that I will NEVER be okay with this! It's just not okay at all! I wish I could flip a switch in my brain and not care about this anymore. Or be like the women who just don't want children. My life would be so much easier if I were like them. I especially wish that people had an ounce of sensitivity when talking about their children, grandchildren, pregnant daughters and friends, etc. Every time I hear about someone else becoming pregnant, it's like having salt rubbed in the ever-present wound in my heart. I get it. You're excited. I'm not saying you shouldn't be and I'm not saying you shouldn't ever mention it. Just please be aware that someone in the room may be dying a little inside every time you bring it up.
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