Childless Child

 This turned into a bit of a rant.  I have mixed feelings about posting this, but it has been on my mind a lot and it had to be written.  This post is for all the infertile women out there who are craving just a smidgen of understanding:

   The other night, I re-watched the movie "Julie and Julia".  I loved it although as far as I'm concerned, the Julie parts should be cut out and the whole movie should be about Julia Child.  In fact, why don't they make a movie about Julia Child?  They could include bits about her life in India and China, and include how she met and got together with Paul.  Anyway, I identified with Julia in several ways.  One way was about her apparent infertility.  It absolutely broke my heart during the scene where Julia was reading a letter from her sister in which she learned that her sister was pregnant.  She was visibly upset and was crying but said, "I'm so happy".  Someone told me that when she saw it in the theater, people laughed at this moment.  As a woman who is struggling with infertility herself, this makes me furious because it shows a real lack of understanding of the general public on this issue.
    In our culture, people ignore this topic altogether.  Our society seems to glorify motherhood and has several conventions which are cruel to those who cannot participate.  I don't think individual people are cruel, but society at large certainly is.  The previously mentioned letter-reading scene in "Julie and Julia" shows how socially unacceptable it is to be anything other than ecstatic over the news of another's pregnancy.  Julia couldn't even admit her sadness to her husband who adored her and knew better.  If a woman shows any signs of being upset over someone else getting pregnant, then she is accused of being selfish and she should "just get over it".  This is similar to going up to a blind man and telling him that you just had lasik  surgery and can see crystal clearly without  glasses.  If this man were not jumping for joy over your good fortune, would you accuse him of being selfish?  Of course not!  Yet this is what we do to infertile women all the time.
     Another cruel convention is the baby shower.  A pregnant woman has the one thing I want most in the entire world.  And society says I have to throw her a party and give her presents?  Really?  Would you ask a homeless man to throw a house-warming party for someone he barely knows who just bought a house?  Don't get me wrong.  I have no problem buying baby shower presents for friends of mine.  I'm talking about  people I barely know like my mother's church friends or mere acquaintances.  I know the reasoning behind the baby shower is that you have to financially help out the new mother who has to buy all this stuff for her baby.  However, women who do fertility treatments pay WAY more than new mothers do.  IVF treatments and adoption can range from $30,000 to $70,000 and up.  (And that's before the baby even gets here!)  I'm sure even all-designer baby merchandise wouldn't cost that much.
   Another injustice is in our medical system.  Most health plans do not cover fertility treatments.  This is unfair because some of us have paid health insurance all of our working lives, and have made very few claims.  The ONE thing I need my insurance to cover is something that they won't cover.  If disease is defined as "something in the body isn't functioning properly", then infertility is a disease.  It is not an elective procedure.  I did not "elect" to go through fertility treatments.  It's just what I have to do to have my body function the way it should in the first place.  Health insurance REALLY should cover this!
      The truth is that I want a child so badly I can hardly breathe.  People think that everything's "okay" with me now that I have decided to adopt, but the fact of the matter is that I will NEVER be okay with this!  It's just not okay at all!  I wish I could flip a switch in my brain and not care about this anymore.  Or be like the women who just don't want children.  My life would be so much easier if I were like them.  I especially wish that people had an ounce of sensitivity when talking about their children, grandchildren, pregnant daughters and friends, etc.  Every time I hear about someone else becoming pregnant, it's like having salt rubbed in the ever-present wound in my heart.  I get it.  You're excited.  I'm not saying you shouldn't be and I'm not saying you shouldn't ever mention it.  Just please be aware that someone in the room may be dying a little inside every time you bring it up.